Are We Really Breaking Up...FOREVER?

When I decided to go AF in the end of September 2020, it was to take a break.  Taking a break is a regular practice for me from wine to sugar to screen time, taking a break has been a consistent means of interrupting patterns and recalibrating.  That was my intention in September to interrupt and recalibrate.

That was six months ago today. Six months?!?  

The intentional pause has become more like a separation.  Much like separations in all relationships, the time away has allowed space and time to really ponder.  Even with all the science and quit lit. I've read, there's still a part of me that romanticizes date night and wine, family gatherings and wine, getting together with girlfriends and wine, hanging out with friends and wine.  I can vividly picture having a hard day or hard week and friends saying "let's meet up for a drink."  It was part and parcel of so many social connections pre-Pandemic.  In these six months, I have come to see how much wine was my sidekick at most social occasions--and I definitely attributed it to that wonderful relaxed feeling I had.

But how true is that story?

I'm beginning to think it's not so true.  

Last weekend I saw my parents in person and indoor.  Talk about a rubberband ball of emotions!

Historically, this would have meant definite happy hour.  I really debated allowing myself a glass of wine.  I thought to myself--it's been so long, you're doing great!  You're not buying it, having it in your house, etc...if you say yes, that's ok.  You just go back to no tomorrow.  

Then another part of me offered you've never given yourself permission to try it with no wine.  As part of fitting in with your family, you just say yes.  Without even thinking if your yes is yours or obligatory.  What if you tried going and NOT having wine.  Just see.

So I went with my trusty tonic water.  Reminded myself that all feelings are valid and welcome AND that feelings aren't facts. And you know what, I had a good time!  Better than good.  Yes, there were the moments of discomfort--especially the newness and the pattern changing.  But when we played cards I was so much better able to focus.  When we chatted, I could really listen.  And I felt relaxed.

So twice in one week, I had alcohol-free experiences that I previously associated the fun and relaxation with wine.  And twice I felt the feelings without it.  

So on this day of six months of sobriety, I find myself wondering if this separation is more than that.  Is it a divorce?  Even typing those words makes my heart rush.  I can tell in this moment that I don't feel ready to file the papers.  For me, I need to say just for today and commit to the rest of the year.  Deciding forever doesn't have to be decided today.

Happy Spring all!  

Warm Wishes,

SoberSeeker

Comments

  1. SobrieTMarch 26, 2021 at 6:16 PM

    Congratulations on six months!!! I can't wait to be at six months. Right now, I'm focused on getting to 150 days, five months, and then shortly after that, my first sober birthday since I was a teenager. I'm feeling more calm, at peace, happy, present and confident, then I can ever remember feeling. I don't feel my historical panic to control everyone and everything. I know that has everything to do with my brain healing, and me learning who I really am. For me, it just keeps getting better...so the thought of not drinking again is getting less and less sad.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just FineNovember 25, 2021 at 12:42 AM

    How's your journey going now?

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Holding the Both/And

Image
 Hubby and I took a much-needed weekend away. After six months of living primarily within the same four walls, taking countless walks around our neighborhood, and putting few miles on the car, our cabin fever hit the limit.  So, we packed up and headed to the beach.  My happy place.  There's something about the expanse of water that soothes my soul. My happy place. And my trigger place. We arrived last night at dinner time and ordered pizza for take-out.  Without consciously thinking about it, my brain started to plan on stopping to pick up drinks.   Beach+Pizza=Need to Have a Drink Or at least it did and has for the last 20 years.  Like a wave crashing over my head, the cravings washed over me.  They were powerful...embodied almost.  I could literally feel the yearning in my body.  Thankfully, I've been introduced to the concept of surfing the urge.  So rather than fight the craving or swallow the water of it, I surfed it.  As I surfed the urge, I noticed again how much I asso
Read more

Patterns

 One of my gifts has been seeing patterns--not so much with design or game--but with people.  I have a knack for anticipating the myriad of moves people would make.  The blessing of this is in allowing me to anticipate and plan.  These are assets in my day job.  Certainly, in running a home they're helpful to a point.  But here's the thing...I've hit this strength just a little too hard.   Turns out when you anticipate people's needs before  they recognize them and then control  the environment so they don't, it sets into motion a dynamic where the one doing the anticipating and controlling (aka people pleasing) is really being controlled. So how does this relate to drinking?  You may be wondering right about now. In my case, it has EVERYTHING to do with drinking.  Although I've been waking up to this reality for some time, this week both personally and professionally I see this pattern.  In my desire to be relational, I"m quick to meet you in the middle--w
Read more