Day 170 AF--Beyond Tired

 My whole being feels exhausted...physically yes.  But there's a level of emotional, mental, and spiritual depletion as well.  Yesterday was *supposed* to be a gentle day where I gave myself room.

And then--I had a tech issue with work that I needed to address.  I had some work that I told myself I *couldn't say no to* (I own my own business--so I'm my own mean boss)

Add to that hubby and I have been working primarily from home together for one year with little other adult social interaction.  (I've been out for some work but he's been in our basement working virtually for a year). So needless to say, I get whatever unpleasantness has been stirred in him.

Pre-alcohol free me--I was superb at managing all of this and calmly processing when he would take shit out on me/advocate for myself.  All very cool, calm, and collected.  Self-regulated if you will.

Now--not so much.

My energy level and capacity are less with work.

And all my emotions come to the surface with hubby.  There's no denying my feelings.  They spill left, right, and sideways.  

As a girl I was rather emotive and taught that this was a bad way to be.  So it's something to be reprogramming years of learning.  Intellectually, I'm totally on board with this reprogramming.  But my heart and body--ouch!  It's hard.

Add to that my recognition of abandoning myself with work.  This whole scarcity combined with codependency apparently make me just as likely to break my promise to myself for a gentle day as I might have been with breaking my promise to only have one glass of wine.  And apparently I used the second glass of wine as coping to help not honor the first promise.

Much to sit with here.

With you on the journey,

Sober Seeker

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