Patterns

 One of my gifts has been seeing patterns--not so much with design or game--but with people.  I have a knack for anticipating the myriad of moves people would make.  The blessing of this is in allowing me to anticipate and plan.  These are assets in my day job.  Certainly, in running a home they're helpful to a point.  But here's the thing...I've hit this strength just a little too hard.  

Turns out when you anticipate people's needs before they recognize them and then control the environment so they don't, it sets into motion a dynamic where the one doing the anticipating and controlling (aka people pleasing) is really being controlled.

So how does this relate to drinking?  You may be wondering right about now.

In my case, it has EVERYTHING to do with drinking.  Although I've been waking up to this reality for some time, this week both personally and professionally I see this pattern.  In my desire to be relational, I"m quick to meet you in the middle--which in many cases isn't so middle...it's across the bridge.  And it is rare that someone crosses the bridge to my side.  **I saw it pre-sobriety.  And I knew it wasn't great.  Now I FEEL why it isn't so great.  And I can FEEL why I haven't changed it.  

Turns out both hurt like hell.

One of the gifts of sobriety has been both a clarity and a commitment to my life.  Although I had this before, sobriety has elevated it.  As if things that aren't congruent float to the surface for me to explore and examine--both inside me and in my environment.  I knew I drank red wine as a coping strategy to relax and take the edge off feelings.  I didn't realize how it also silenced me.  Keeping me from advocating for myself and seeking to be met and considered by others,  When a couple glasses of wine on a Friday night could be my BFF after a hard week, I didn't notice the humans as much,  Now I'm noticing the humans.  And I'm speaking up for myself.  And I'm letting myself feel the feels.  Perhaps this pattern that is a deep groove will shift.

The plus is that it's Friday night.  I'm sipping tonic and lime and writing here.  Many feelings swirl around inside.  But one thing is not there:  craving.  I thought about how in the past when things would be this difficult, I'd likely grab dinner with someone and split a bottle of wine.  I thought it but I didn't feel it.  In fact, my body felt this repulsion.  Like that was not a good idea.

So for today, that's victory.  Painfully witnessing my patterns while celebrating the absence of the urge.

With you on the journey,

Sober Seeker